I saw this video from youtubes fabulous roguebluejay.



and of course it immediately got in my brain.


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I am scared

I'm scared that I'm not good enough

I'm scared of dieing alone, crazy, and untalented

I'm scared of everything outside this room

I'm scared of love

I'm scared of hate

I'm scared of anger

I'm scared of people

I'm scared of loneliness

I'm scared of living

I'm scared of dieing of my own incompetence

I'm scared that I am living with a disease that doesn't have the common decency to kill me

I'm scared of doctors

I'm scared I will never find the right medication

I'm scared that I am crazy

I'm scared of crying

I'm scared of disappointing people

I'm scared people may be scared of me

I'm scared of never being understood

I am scared of people that understand me

I'm scared that I worry my mum

I'm scared I will never have an apartment and a cat

I'm scared that I am just a drain on the public purse

I'm scared of busy streets

I'm scared of loud noises

I'm scared of dirty kitchens

I'm scared of things that smell bad

I'm scared of old food

I'm scared of food

And I'm scared that by telling the truth nobody will like me

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I wrote then recorded, watched it back, re-edited it, and repeat until  happy or too tiered to go on.

I don't have mind mapping or free writing samples. Unlike when I try to write things using writing tools this is a thing where my mind was already full with words. No coaxing required.


I fucking love lists.